I remember vividly the day of your cremation. It was a slightly windy late summer day. Dressed in a blue flocked skirt and white shirt, as a very young girl, I entered with my family into the building and was immediately struck by the buzzing gossips. Everyone seemed to have spun their own tale about your sudden death.
I remember being scared to see you as I had never seen a dead person before. After bolstering up some courage, I peeked into the coffin. At first, I was shocked and backed away. My aunt pushed me back to the coffin and ordered me to take a good look at you.
“That’s where bad girls end,” she stated hatefully. “Listen to your parent and you won’t end up like her.” You know, this aunt is still mean. I wish she were gone and you were still alive.
I forced myself to take a long look at you. I secretly touched your cold swollen face. You were lying there so quietly, dressed in bride’s clothing. People said your face was swollen because of the poison you had taken in.
I still can’t wrap my head around your suicide. Why did you do it? You had just graduated and you had a bright future ahead. You were my role model, the first woman in our family to be graduated from pharmacy. You showed your professional skills as you brewed your own suicide drink. I don’t know what was going on in your head and life. No one knows. I wish you had someone to talk to. I wish someone had stopped you. I wish you were here now.
I often think about how life would have been if you hadn’t killed yourself. I would probably have visited your children’s graduation by now. We would hang out. I would call you for advice and listen to your stories. I want you to know that you’ve always been on my mind and in my heart. Even if you left life too early, you made an impact on me. You were my inspiration to follow my path. You were even once the subject of a story contest. I didn’t win, but I didn’t care. I wanted to give you a voice, something that you probably didn’t have back then. I’m a grown woman now. I graduated, but you weren’t there. I want you to know that I’m doing okay and I hope to meet you in an afterlife. I’ve got tons to tell you.